Mom is Dating? Are You Kidding Me?

Kicking, screaming, and crying. Is this typical pre-date behavior at your house? And then what do your children do? Of course I’m joking, but any single parent knows that dating can be stressful.

I believe that the best parenting plan for us is to date, marry, and then have children – end of story! Let’s take a look at how Adam and Eve did it. They met and were immediately married, “became one flesh” Genesis 1:24. After that, in chapters 2 and 3, we see them engaging in “date-like” activities. They were getting to know each other, enjoying meaningful conversation, exploring their surroundings, sharing an apple here and there, and taking romantic walks in a lovely garden!

First marriage, then dating, seems a little backwards by our customs, but I guess there wasn’t much need to check out the competition! And then, Eve “became pregnant and gave birth to Cain.” Genesis 4:1.  My point is that kids came AFTER dating. Cain and Abel and Enoch and Seth and all the other kids didn’t have to worry about Mom going out on a date, at least not with someone other than Dad. That’s best for everyone involved – adults and children. There’s no doubt that the best thing for children is a healthy marriage that lasts a lifetime.

But when we become single mothers, because of divorce or widowhood, dating someone who is not our children’s father is often difficult. When children see Mom leave with a new man it can bring back painful memories of the family that used to be – but is no more. Moms take on mounds of guilt, worrying about children feeling left out or abandoned. The stress of it all prevents some single moms from ever dating again. Perhaps that’s where you are today, and it might be the best choice for you.

However, for other single mothers an evening out with a date is a lift. It feels terrific to get dressed up and do something special. Dating is an affirmation and reminder that I am fun to be with! It makes me feel alive and vibrant to share meaningful conversation over a lingering dinner. I’ve had some magnificent dates – concerts, bike rides, picnics – and the common thread running through all of them was connection with a person who enjoyed my company. I treasure that! It makes me more joyful and energetic. It makes me a better mom.

Dating as a single parent is balancing two distinct roles. Think of it as wearing two different hats – a Mommy hat, and a Dating hat. It’s not so difficult, at least at first, to put the Dating Hat on the shelf when you’ve donned your Mommy Hat. But it’s nearly impossible to leave the Mommy Hat at home when you’re out in your Dating Hat. In fact, I don’t think it’s desirable, admirable, or wise to ever forget our responsibility to our children. Once a parent, always a parent. And wearing two different hats at one time can be really uncomfortable.

What’s the answer? How can single parents date and still honor the responsibilities of parenthood? As a life coach, it’s not my job to have the answers, but instead, some good questions. So here are questions for you to consider as you are figuring out what’s right for you.

• What are the things I will possibly gain from dating? List as many as you can.
• What are my fears related to dating?
• How can I live out both roles – parent and date – and remain authentic and true in each one?
• From my child’s perspective, what will be the most troubling aspects of dating? Evaluate each item from that list in regard to, “Is this true? Is this rational? How can I make it less challenging?”
• In what ways does dating help me be more fully and joyfully the person I was created to be?
• Are there any parts of dating that keep me from being true to myself and my values? What can I choose to do to change those parts?

Please choose one or two of those questions. Take time to write out your own thoughts and answers.  And then sit with what you’ve written. Spend some quiet moments intentionally making good decisions.

A single mother has a huge responsibility to care for her family – and herself. Even when life is difficult you can learn to live fully with joy. If you would like to add more joy to your life, contact me to schedule a free “Introduction to Life Coaching” call. www.FindJoy.org.

Want to use this article on your website, ezine, or blog? Great! Just be sure to include the following bio with link: Diane Overgard, CFLE, is a Family Life Specialist and Coach, trained to inspire people to find joy amidst the chaos of life. Find out if Life Coaching might be right for you by visiting www.FindJoy.org.