How Can I Deal With the Pain OF Divorce?

Divorced. How did this happen in my life? We were the couple other people tried to copy. So many years. A family sitting together in church. Great kids. Beautiful home. Successful careers. Fun vacations. Ended.

You’re reading this article that has the word “pain” in the title, so I suspect you aren’t skipping down the street, ecstatic about your divorce. Divorce stinks, even if we know it’s the right thing to do – often the only way to preserve our wholeness, finances, or sanity.

Whether you are contemplating divorce, starting the process, or right in the middle of the muck, I’m pretty sure there are questions running through your mind. In Life Coaching we say that the first step to finding answers is clarifying the questions. Since this article is a one-sided conversation, let me share with you some common questions. Here we go!

1. Why can’t I make up my mind about whether or not I should end this marriage?

Life is complex. There are so few things that are black or white. One day you feel hurt and angry when you discover things you don’t want to know, or realize things you don’t want to accept. But, the next day there is a positive conversation, or a happy time with your whole family, and the road ahead seems hopeful.

I think that indecisiveness comes because we are hopeful people. We hope that a bad situation will improve. We hope our feelings will change. We hope for a miracle. And sometimes our hopes come true. I’ve seen miracles in my life. So, don’t give up! Give yourself credit for your determination and perseverance. Making a big decision is hard work that takes time. When you’ve completed all the work you need to do, you will know what the right decision is for you.

You’re not done til you’re done.

2. How long will I feel miserable?

There is no magic time period for emotions. You have to feel whatever it is you’re feeling. Be aware of the feelings inside of yourself. Name them. Write about them. Go ahead and cry or yell, but also try some exercise, Life Coaching, or therapy to help you.

Do you have people in your life who are telling you to move on and get happy? Some people are uncomfortable around us when we’re sad. Others have so much empathy that they truly can’t stand to see us in pain. Think about how you will tell these friends and family what you need. Tell them how they can support you. And if they still keep telling you how to feel — find a new friend who is a good listener. Keep the old friends, love them for what they give you, but understand what they cannot.

3. How can I get through these crummy days?

This is an agonizing time. Even though you may not feel it today, I have to tell you, “This too shall pass.” You will feel better eventually. However, while you are trapped in this time warp of pain you need some coping tools. Life Coaching brings a wealth of helpful tools to any situation. Try some of these:

DO SOMETHING UNUSUAL: What have you always wanted to do? Is there something you’d like to learn? I’ve been motivated to plunge into uncommon activities, and they all made me feel like I was becoming a new, more interesting person. Can you imagine taking a dance class, going on a guided bike hike, or throwing a pot-luck supper for neighbors? I know your energy level may be low, but things like this can keep you going.

TEACH YOURSELF TO ENJOY SOLITUDE: One of the greatest fears in divorce is that we will be alone. Can you make a mindset switch to enjoy being alone? Some of my most peaceful moments are when I’m sitting at my favorite spot at a nearby park, with a vanilla latte in hand, savoring the quiet. I cherish an evening in my comfy chair with a soft blanket and an inspiring book.

SCHEDULE PEOPLE IN YOUR DAYS: On the flip side of enjoying solitude is enjoying people! I know myself well enough to understand that I value conversation with a good friend at least three times a week. What’s your schedule? Aside from that, I also enjoy just being around people sometimes and will hang out at a bookstore or a coffee shop. Where do you go to be out among people? Do you ever greet a stranger there?

BE THANKFUL EVERY DAY: One coaching tool directs us to recall three things at the end of each day for which we are grateful. No matter how difficult life becomes we can learn to look for some good. A faithful little dog who sits next to me in my chair, the smell of fresh morning air, and a homemade coffee cake are all really good things!

So, there are three questions. What other questions do you have? Call me, and let’s talk!