Divorced AND Loved

Are you divorced? widowed? never-married? Do you have days of loneliness?

Several years ago I was in a book study group and the question came up, “Who is the one person in this world who thinks of you as their #1?” I was recently divorced at that time – a raw emotional canvas – and that question hit me hard. Without a spouse I felt like I was nobody’s number one!

I am a journaling maniac, and that question provided motivation for a week of writing! I wrote about how it feels to be independent when I really wanted someone to depend on. I wrote about senior citizen friends who have been widowed for many years, and the hole I imagine they feel. I wrote about girlfriends and how that reliable bond is so valuable but being “one of the girls” isn’t the same as being “somebody’s number one.”

Over time the pains of divorce – rejection, regret and anger – have healed. Today I know who thinks of me as their number one – it’s God, and me. I know myself and I like what I know! The screen saver on my laptop says, “I am God’s favorite.” While that’s a light-hearted message that makes me smile, I believe it! I am so blessed with great people in my life, meaningful work, and plenty of sunsets to renew my spirit.

Are you up for that question today? Who thinks of you as their number one?

Can There Really Be JOY During a Divorce?

That’s a fair question! The question was asked last month in the Joy During Divorce? coaching call. “Can I really FIND JOY these days, or is it just making life ‘not-so-bad’ for awhile?”

I’ve been thinking about that question ever since, and trying to honestly remember the days when divorce was constantly on my mind. The memories of pain are vivid. But was there also joy during those months? Thankfully, I’m a journaling nut and I write about everything – constantly! So, today I pulled out my journal from 2007.

One of the most joyful things I did – as I was thinking about the dramatic life change heading my way – was to write about “My Ideal Self.”  Who am I when I am at my best? What do I do for fun, when the choice is mine alone? What deep inner strengths and gifts did God put inside of me? This was a powerful exercise for me that began to shape me and my new life ahead.

This may sound hokey – but it’s true - that just re-reading these pages today is making my heart light! It’s making me smile inside… and even a little bit outside! Divorce pushed me to get to know myself in a whole new way – and I love what I found. I am a person who treasures playfulness and surprises. Sitting still, listening to birds, and watching clouds gives me incredible energy. Deep, meaningful conversation inspires me to care more, love more, and work more diligently to make a difference.

So is that joy? Yes, I think it is! It’s definitely more than living days that “just aren’t that bad.” For me, the process of divorce was agonizing - so many decisions, compromises, changes, fears, hurts, and regrets. But each new day brings new hope. Grab onto your future, and get ready for a joyful time ahead!

Mom is Dating? Are You Kidding Me?

Kicking, screaming, and crying. Is this typical pre-date behavior at your house? And then what do your children do? Of course I’m joking, but any single parent knows that dating can be stressful.

I believe that the best parenting plan for us is to date, marry, and then have children – end of story! Let’s take a look at how Adam and Eve did it. They met and were immediately married, “became one flesh” Genesis 1:24. After that, in chapters 2 and 3, we see them engaging in “date-like” activities. They were getting to know each other, enjoying meaningful conversation, exploring their surroundings, sharing an apple here and there, and taking romantic walks in a lovely garden!

First marriage, then dating, seems a little backwards by our customs, but I guess there wasn’t much need to check out the competition! And then, Eve “became pregnant and gave birth to Cain.” Genesis 4:1.  My point is that kids came AFTER dating. Cain and Abel and Enoch and Seth and all the other kids didn’t have to worry about Mom going out on a date, at least not with someone other than Dad. That’s best for everyone involved – adults and children. There’s no doubt that the best thing for children is a healthy marriage that lasts a lifetime.

But when we become single mothers, because of divorce or widowhood, dating someone who is not our children’s father is often difficult. When children see Mom leave with a new man it can bring back painful memories of the family that used to be – but is no more. Moms take on mounds of guilt, worrying about children feeling left out or abandoned. The stress of it all prevents some single moms from ever dating again. Perhaps that’s where you are today, and it might be the best choice for you.

However, for other single mothers an evening out with a date is a lift. It feels terrific to get dressed up and do something special. Dating is an affirmation and reminder that I am fun to be with! It makes me feel alive and vibrant to share meaningful conversation over a lingering dinner. I’ve had some magnificent dates – concerts, bike rides, picnics – and the common thread running through all of them was connection with a person who enjoyed my company. I treasure that! It makes me more joyful and energetic. It makes me a better mom.

Dating as a single parent is balancing two distinct roles. Think of it as wearing two different hats – a Mommy hat, and a Dating hat. It’s not so difficult, at least at first, to put the Dating Hat on the shelf when you’ve donned your Mommy Hat. But it’s nearly impossible to leave the Mommy Hat at home when you’re out in your Dating Hat. In fact, I don’t think it’s desirable, admirable, or wise to ever forget our responsibility to our children. Once a parent, always a parent. And wearing two different hats at one time can be really uncomfortable.

What’s the answer? How can single parents date and still honor the responsibilities of parenthood? As a life coach, it’s not my job to have the answers, but instead, some good questions. So here are questions for you to consider as you are figuring out what’s right for you.

• What are the things I will possibly gain from dating? List as many as you can.
• What are my fears related to dating?
• How can I live out both roles – parent and date – and remain authentic and true in each one?
• From my child’s perspective, what will be the most troubling aspects of dating? Evaluate each item from that list in regard to, “Is this true? Is this rational? How can I make it less challenging?”
• In what ways does dating help me be more fully and joyfully the person I was created to be?
• Are there any parts of dating that keep me from being true to myself and my values? What can I choose to do to change those parts?

Please choose one or two of those questions. Take time to write out your own thoughts and answers.  And then sit with what you’ve written. Spend some quiet moments intentionally making good decisions.

A single mother has a huge responsibility to care for her family – and herself. Even when life is difficult you can learn to live fully with joy. If you would like to add more joy to your life, contact me to schedule a free “Introduction to Life Coaching” call. www.FindJoy.org.

Want to use this article on your website, ezine, or blog? Great! Just be sure to include the following bio with link: Diane Overgard, CFLE, is a Family Life Specialist and Coach, trained to inspire people to find joy amidst the chaos of life. Find out if Life Coaching might be right for you by visiting www.FindJoy.org.

How Can I Deal With the Pain OF Divorce?

Divorced. How did this happen in my life? We were the couple other people tried to copy. So many years. A family sitting together in church. Great kids. Beautiful home. Successful careers. Fun vacations. Ended.

You’re reading this article that has the word “pain” in the title, so I suspect you aren’t skipping down the street, ecstatic about your divorce. Divorce stinks, even if we know it’s the right thing to do – often the only way to preserve our wholeness, finances, or sanity.

Whether you are contemplating divorce, starting the process, or right in the middle of the muck, I’m pretty sure there are questions running through your mind. In Life Coaching we say that the first step to finding answers is clarifying the questions. Since this article is a one-sided conversation, let me share with you some common questions. Here we go!

1. Why can’t I make up my mind about whether or not I should end this marriage?

Life is complex. There are so few things that are black or white. One day you feel hurt and angry when you discover things you don’t want to know, or realize things you don’t want to accept. But, the next day there is a positive conversation, or a happy time with your whole family, and the road ahead seems hopeful.

I think that indecisiveness comes because we are hopeful people. We hope that a bad situation will improve. We hope our feelings will change. We hope for a miracle. And sometimes our hopes come true. I’ve seen miracles in my life. So, don’t give up! Give yourself credit for your determination and perseverance. Making a big decision is hard work that takes time. When you’ve completed all the work you need to do, you will know what the right decision is for you.

You’re not done til you’re done.

2. How long will I feel miserable?

There is no magic time period for emotions. You have to feel whatever it is you’re feeling. Be aware of the feelings inside of yourself. Name them. Write about them. Go ahead and cry or yell, but also try some exercise, Life Coaching, or therapy to help you.

Do you have people in your life who are telling you to move on and get happy? Some people are uncomfortable around us when we’re sad. Others have so much empathy that they truly can’t stand to see us in pain. Think about how you will tell these friends and family what you need. Tell them how they can support you. And if they still keep telling you how to feel — find a new friend who is a good listener. Keep the old friends, love them for what they give you, but understand what they cannot.

3. How can I get through these crummy days?

This is an agonizing time. Even though you may not feel it today, I have to tell you, “This too shall pass.” You will feel better eventually. However, while you are trapped in this time warp of pain you need some coping tools. Life Coaching brings a wealth of helpful tools to any situation. Try some of these:

DO SOMETHING UNUSUAL: What have you always wanted to do? Is there something you’d like to learn? I’ve been motivated to plunge into uncommon activities, and they all made me feel like I was becoming a new, more interesting person. Can you imagine taking a dance class, going on a guided bike hike, or throwing a pot-luck supper for neighbors? I know your energy level may be low, but things like this can keep you going.

TEACH YOURSELF TO ENJOY SOLITUDE: One of the greatest fears in divorce is that we will be alone. Can you make a mindset switch to enjoy being alone? Some of my most peaceful moments are when I’m sitting at my favorite spot at a nearby park, with a vanilla latte in hand, savoring the quiet. I cherish an evening in my comfy chair with a soft blanket and an inspiring book.

SCHEDULE PEOPLE IN YOUR DAYS: On the flip side of enjoying solitude is enjoying people! I know myself well enough to understand that I value conversation with a good friend at least three times a week. What’s your schedule? Aside from that, I also enjoy just being around people sometimes and will hang out at a bookstore or a coffee shop. Where do you go to be out among people? Do you ever greet a stranger there?

BE THANKFUL EVERY DAY: One coaching tool directs us to recall three things at the end of each day for which we are grateful. No matter how difficult life becomes we can learn to look for some good. A faithful little dog who sits next to me in my chair, the smell of fresh morning air, and a homemade coffee cake are all really good things!

So, there are three questions. What other questions do you have? Call me, and let’s talk!